Have been contempelating if i could and should write about it...
It was a fateful night as I felt uneasiness on that night, and remembered vividly that he told me,"Joe, no worries as I still have 20 days to go before my confirmation day comes and I will achieve one huge goal for you before I leave...of course you can't count 21 days as Merdeka is a holiday mah!..." he said jokingly. I tried to remember immediately, did he said he was leaving? In my mind, I was thinking perhaps the working culture in our office isn't suitable for him and perhaps he is still too young and playful...and I could check with him in the morning on what he just said...
Remembering back on the interview Saturday morning, I can say I found a bond with him, kinda street smart and he could interact well with me and Peter and needless to say he passed our interview with our common approval - being direct and honest with his answers and a friendly personality. I was glad to have found our remaining team member, so that we could go all out to achieve what is set for our team, finally!
I was glad that I could have the complete feeling of a team - 3 of us, with ideas to work on, activities to do together, with plans for us together and for each of us individually, knowing that we will meet at the end of this journey...
As I was about to sleep after my late shower, my phone rang and I was thinking, he must have turn up the volume of the music loudly that he couldn't hear my phone calls to make sure he has reached home safely OR his phone batt went flat and now he is calling me from his home. But no, it was a call,"hello, is this Joe?". I answered,"yes, this is joe, may I know who is this calling me?". "I'm calling from SJMC (an hospital) and I believe you have a friend and he was involved in an accident, so could you please come over as soon as possible?". My heart froze immediately and I was wishing that he is okay and it is only a minor accident. I asked to the phone call how's the condition but she was reluctant to tell me and repeated that I should come quickly. My mind raced to what would be awaiting me and imagining I was there already so that I could put my mind to ease knowing what has happened to him.
I will always remember what I saw that night, and I truly wish I will never need to face this ever again - that my friend is no longer here...but HOW? WHY? Why must this happened?!! Is it so simple? That a young life is taken away?!! Flashes of him with me, cheerful chatting, singing, playful antics and talking to me, always sharing his thoughts and stories just hours ago and now I have to accept that he is no longer around!!! HOW CAN THIS BE?! I have not felt like this before, even when I receieved the news of my beloved grandmother of her passing away, attending her funeral, sending away of my grandfather in the funeral procession, never have I felt the way I felt at this moment trying to make sense what is happening - of seeing a someone alive some moments ago and now laying still in front of me.
Being in the same moment witnessing his siblings distraught and expressing their hurt and sadness is very hurtful for me. I cried, never have I cried for sadness of such feelings...for a new person that I have accepted as my friend and a team mate. Please, tell me that this is a bad dream?!! Cries from the family cemented that foolish thought that I will never see him alive again...
I blame myself for not doing enough, for not encouraging him enough, for not able to provide goals for him to work towards, those goals that I was proud and prideful about, those bloody goals that I thought would give meaning to one's life, those amazing sessions I have people coming to me later that I have changed their lives in small little notes, those damned feelings that gave me confidence that I could really provide the directions that fulfills one potential...to people of all walks, from every parts of the world...but, was I wrong??!!
I knew he was playful and everyone should be(!) entitled to be playful before we have to work bloody hard to earn our salary, maintained the car, to claim the ladder of achievements and repayments that we called life and success, but perhaps he needs a little more time as I tell myself again and again...but he has to buck up if he is serious about what he wants in life...why can't I be presented with such thoughts once more?! Why this has to be taken away from me so rudely & cruelly? Or did I push him much in work? All I eagerly wanted for him was so that he could taste some achievements so that he could be confident that he was on the right path, that he aspires to be, so that he could have something to show his family. So that he won't feel small and could start to think that he could play less, and start thinking about fulfilling his potential...and getting those goals he always shares with me...to stop comparing with others and claims his very own goals...
He could have close a deal in the coming weeks to fulfill this needed feeling...
I dare not imagine how it is for the family to lose a son and a brother. Those saying we always read from motivation sessions, forwarded emails, friendly advices that life is short, we need to live to the fullest - but some of us will never fully understand it...and appreciate what we have, when we have it close to us.
This blog is dedicated to my friend, Ernie, may you rest in peace and perhaps from above you could see how much your family loved you and wished only the best for you...
This blog is dedicated to Ernie's family, as something that I could do to share a part of Ernie as a friend
It is also dedicated to my beloved friends, wherever you are, remembering life is really short and go on, be who you want to be, be someone you aspire to be, be the person you always picture yourself to be and...do it.
